As I woke up on April 7, I did not know how much my life would change. I woke up that day actually feeling good, or, so I thought. By 10:30am my life would change forever and let me tell you not all change is good. I am 47 years old, I am happily married, I have 3 children, 2 grandchildren. These are my life. I never wanted to hurt them. I did and it is my fault. I choose my actions, but how are you accountable for thoughts and feelings when you do not remember. How do you keep it from happening again?

Here is my mental health breakdown before April 7.

  • I was diagnosed as manic depressive when I was 15
  • I start therapy that I went to religiously twice a week for 2 years.
  • At 17, I attempted suicide. My parents did not call anyone, they pretended it did not happen and had me stop therapy because “it was not working”
  • I went 30 years, 2 bad marriages with no attempts and just moments of depression that I required medication.
  • May 2020, I asked my primary physician if I could have an anti-depressive.
  • May 2020, I spoke to a therapist for the first and last for about 12 minutes.

At the time that this happened I thought I was “cured” or in remission however you say all better. I honestly thought I grew out of my mental illness. I did not need any care for 30 years (or, so I thought). Who would know that after all that time and year of medication I would still try to kill myself? I have a good life. I have family that loves me. I do not have addiction problems. Why me?

I wish I had known some of this information before this spiral happened. It would have helped, I am sure of it. Some myths and facts according to Medically Reviewed by Jennifer Casarella on March 05, 2021:

Myth: If You Have Bipolar Disorder, You Won’t Have Other Mental Health Problems

Many people with bipolar disorder have other mental health conditions at the same time. Common ones include: Anxiety, ADHD, Alcohol or drug abuse, Eating disorders

Myth: Stress Isn’t a Factor

Stressful events can trigger bipolar episodes or symptoms. To keep tension down, you may want to try relaxation methods like yoga, meditation, or deep-breathing exercises.

Myth: Bipolar Disorder Only Affects Your Mood

There’s more to it than that. Besides mood swings, bipolar disorder can have an impact on everything from your energy to your sleeping patterns.

For instance, when you have an episode of mania, you may be more likely to:

  • Talk excessively
  • Take risks
  • Be super-energetic jumpy
  • Get less sleep

When you have an episode of depression, you might:

  • Lose weight when you’re not trying to
  • Feel tired or lack energy
  • Have trouble concentrating

Too many people suffer in silence. They are scared to tell their story because they are afraid of being judged, losing their jobs and losing their loved ones. We need to stand together as a community and demand to be treated as if we matter. If you are in need help ask for it, demand it. We deserve to be listened to. We deserve to get help.

If you are in crisis Call your doctor’s office or Call 911 for emergency services or Go to the nearest hospital emergency room or Call the toll-free, 24-hour hot line of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273-TALK (1–800–273–8255) to be connected to a trained counselor at a suicide crisis center nearest you.

I am married and want to enact change.